


Suffering Alone

by xxsatinangelxx



Category: Revenge (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-16 01:22:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11243358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxsatinangelxx/pseuds/xxsatinangelxx
Summary: Emily is off traveling the world with her sister after the Revenge had ended. Nolan is back at the Hamptons finding out he's not just ill...he's dying. Cancer. He'd much rather suffer alone than take away from the happiness Emily was currently feeling. But will she find out before it's too late? Will Nolan confess as to why he really never contacted Emily? And do we ever get to see them take that leap from partnership to relationship?Eventual Nemily.





	1. Chapter 1

Nolan wasn’t what you call a simple man, despite his simple tastes he had a lot more going on that most people would dare dream and it has nothing to do with helping Emily get revenge or even about his difficult family history. Neither of those things made him feel ashamed, he was proud to be the only person Emily trusted on this journey and being attracted to both men and women only made his life more exciting. 

Despite having a high number of playmates and romantic partners, he’d always lacked a real connection and even when he did make a real connection like with his 2 former CFOs it always ended badly, like very very badly. Which was hard enough given all the heat his company had been taking over the years but his company took a back seat when he was hurt this badly. 

Nolan was a loyal man, he had always considered this trait a bittersweet one because it meant the connection he kept in his life were real and strong, for example his relationship with Emily. She trusted him, with her life. Not an easy feat given all the people who had betrayed her or died on her journey. That being said, it also left him open to a whole range of pain he didn’t even know could exist.

Despite many faces and many heartbreaks, he still found himself alone dealing with perhaps the biggest heartache of his life and absolutely no one to share it with.   
Emily was traveling with Charlotte, last he heard they were in Rome, but that was a week ago so who knew where they were now. The traveling had been a way to get away from the heartache that Emily was currently going through, her marriage was over before it got to its first Anniversary. Nolan saw it coming if he were honest, Jack was too Noble, Emily was too well...not Amanda. 

Jack and Carl were in Cali with Stevie licking their wounds and Lou-Lou had found a new Beau, a real husband willing to give her the white picket fence and all the babies her little southern heart desired. With Declan, Amanda and even David gone, he had not one name to call. 

“You’re sure?” Nolan asked his private Doctor as they sat in his office, a plain room that had expensive art on the wall. His Doctor was a good man, he wouldn’t have trust him with the tests if he’d been. Although right now his Doctors character wasn’t of much importance to him.

“Mr. Ross, I’m sorry but you have Cancer. We’ve caught it early, we should start Chemo as soon as you’ve filled out the paperwork but any family you have should be here for you because this going to get rough, Mr. Ross” 

Nolan looked at the Doctor and shook his head. He couldn’t bother Emily, not after she was finally bonding with her sister. Not after she was finally finding to happiness after all this cruel world had put her through. Jack was probably mad at him for taking Emily’s side in the Divorce proceedings, something that no one was surprised he did, but it still left Jack a little sore and that meant he wouldn’t be ready to talk about anything until they’d had it out and given how weak Nolan was going to become, he really didn’t have to fight in him right now to get passed their issues to actually say the words Cancer and Help.

He was still Numb. Completely in shock. He had found a lump and he’d broken his wrist just by simply leaning against his cabinets at home. He was smart enough to know something was wrong. Turns out he had bone cancer. It makes your bones almost brittle. So he sat in the most expensive Doctor’s office the town, still feeling shock and an overwhelming sense of loneliness. 

“Okay, Email over the paperwork and I’ll have it to you by the morning. Am I free to go?” Nolan asked, suddenly feeling like he was suffocating. No amount of deep breaths seemed to be easing his panic.

“I want you to take these, they’re an antibiotic to help keep off any infections in preparation for the Chemo” He spoke softly, handing over the tablets along with the prescription papers. Nolan took them quickly, almost snatching them waiting for the Doctor’s permission to leave. 

“But yes, Mr. Ross, you’re free to go. I’ll email over an appointment by end of day tomorrow” 

Nolan could only give him a slight nod before darting out the door, down the 3 flights of stairs and into the hamptons open air. The briskness to the winter air provided the comfort he needed but he didn’t stop for long, he kept going until he had walked the 3 miles home. His mind reeling from everything the Doctor had told him about treatments and changes to lifestyle. 

He managed to hold out until he pushed his front door shut and he couldn’t take it anymore. He fell to the ground, a sob breaking out of this throat. How he hadn't broken his arm on the fall, he didn't know but he mind couldn't concentrate on that now. 

How could this be happening? He’d done everything right, he was fit, he was healthy, he was doing all he could to make the best out of a life that had proven unjust and quite frankly cruel. He almost laughed through his sobs, he’d come out of this battle with the Greyson’s with only a few scars and now it was his own body trying to killing him from the inside out. Victoria Greyson would find a morbid kind of Irony in that. 

He doesn’t know how long he sat there on the cold floor of his oversized beach house, all alone in his large empty home by his front door. His keys and phone all but forgotten on the floor beside him. Even when he eventually aware of himself, even when he knows it’s dark outside, even when he knows his stomach is telling him he’s hungry and even when he knows this won’t be the last time he’ll cry before the treatments start, he doesn’t move, he can’t. He paralyzed by a mixture of intense anger and sorrow at this new development. 

He had to wonder what Emily would say if she were here. Somehow the very thought of his best friend only made him feel more alone.


	2. Chapter 2

The first month of Chemo was brutal, Nolan paid top dollar to spend most of the time at the hospital in their Cancer Care centre for the Rich and ill. Despite the extra Luxuries Nolan found no solace in the expensive coffee makers or the nurses who were paid to look pretty for the rich patrons. No what Nolan valued most about this place was the families he saw coming in and out. Grandkids seeing their grandparents, despite the heartache there were a comfort in the presences of family. There was hope. A hope Nolan was barely clinging on to. His weekly conversations with Emily had kept him going. Kept him fighting just enough, but he feared his fight was reaching the end of it's tether. 

“You sure I can’t call anyone for you Nolan?” His nurse Jackie asked him for what felt like the hundredth time as she caught him watching Mr. Paxon saying goodbye to his 3 kids and 7 grandkids. 

“Jackie, I told you. No one would care” Jackie rolled her eyes at this, she knew it wasn't true even if he was trying very hard to make her believe it. 

“What about that Emily girl you’re always telling me about? You said you were her best friend. Doesn’t she deserve to know what her best friend is going through?” Nolan met her eye, a mixture of a threat and sorrow in his eyes.

“Not when she’s mending her relationship with her sister. I’m not having her up and leave her life for me” Up and leave her happy ending for his sake. He couldn't allow it. He wanted to be selfish, call her the moment he found out and demand she be here for him. But he couldn't...he wouldn't. Not after all the world had took from her. He wouldn't add to any of her suffering, even if that did make a presumption about how much she actually cared. 

“And who gets to be here when you need someone in your life?” 

Jackie wasn’t just his Nurse anymore, she was someone’s opinion Nolan had come to rely upon. Nolan could tell Jackie made an effort with all her patients and that was perhaps the most comforting thing about this place, unlike the eeriness of his home, it provided him with someone who actually wanted to get to know him, become his friend. 

“I’m fighting this aren’t I? I’m not completely hopeless” He pointed back to him.

“No I just think you’re trying to get through his, get into remission and gain back your hair and your weight before anyone in your life notices you’ve gone through anything. I think you’re a little too used to suffering in silence and it makes me angry Nolan. You’re a great guy, you deserve someone. Something like that…”   
She was pointing out Mrs. Paxon, the last to leave Mr. Paxon to complete his treatment. They’d been in love for 50 years and it was still as apparent in their eyes as Nolan was sure it had been the moment they met.

“Maybe I wasn’t meant for a love like that…Could you wheel me to my appointment with Doctor Anderson? I’m due another dose of ‘Botics” She gave him a short nod, which told him she was annoyed with him. 

He only had one week of treatment left and from what Dr. Anderson had told him. His tests looked promising. He’d broken a couple more bones along the way, including his thigh bone, not an easy feat. Between that and the Chemo making his strength to even stand nonexistent, he was forced to use a wheelchair. Something that Nolan was having bittersweet emotions about. 

“You can’t stay mad at me Jack’” Nolan offered, glancing up at his nurse. His charms winning out as they almost always had. 

“I can when you’re being a stubborn arse” 

“Now what would your manager think of such a language on the hospital ward?” Jackie sighed, he always won her over with his charming smile and quick tongue. 

“You’re just lucky you’re ill or I’d be throwing you out on your arse to prove how serious I am” 

Of that…Nolan had no doubt and not for the first time Jackie had reminded Nolan of Emily just enough to keep him fighting. 

She got him to his treatment in one piece and the other nurses started connecting the Antibotics to his IV drip, making conversation as they went. Mr. Taylor was already sitting in the treatment room, reading an old time story about the war. 

Nolan struck up a conversation with the man to help ease the loneliness Jackie had enticed him in. Everyone someone fought to get him some moral support he was reminding of how alone he was here. 

It was during his usual dosage that things took a scary turn.


	3. Chapter 3

When Nolan came to, he knew something had happened. Something that was probably going to set back his recovery. He almost cursed at himself for not taking better care of himself. Lord knows this never would have happened if Emily were here to remind him of such things. 

Jackie was there checking his vitals, he opened his eyes to see the concern weaved in under her 'nurse' face. 

“You’re awake…Glad to see. You had us all a little worried” Jackie spared him a caring smile. 

“What and miss seeing your gorgeous face one last time? Never” She barely looked up at him in reaction. “What happened?”

“You were dehydrated Nolan, what did I tell you about drinking your fluids. We can’t keep you on this strict raceme of medication if you don’t drink enough. You’re just lucky your body choose to give you a warning sign while you were sitting down and not in any danger, otherwise you could have broken more than your thigh bone”

She was pissed at him again, but he had come to understand this was her way of making sure he looked after himself. She reminded him so much of Emily he could sometimes only smile in reaction to her anger, even if he knew it came from a place of care. 

“Okay, I get it. Drink more fluids”

“I’m Serious Nolan if you don—“ Their eyes locked and he pushed back with what little strength he had. Force of habit if nothing else. 

“I will okay?” She sighed. 

“Okay, but don’t think I won’t be checking” She left soon after that and he fell asleep. He slept a lot these days and despite the amount he slept, he never felt any more energised, he felt more and more drained with every passing Chemo treatment. 

He wasn’t sure how long it’s been since he fell asleep after his argument with Jackie, but he’s suddenly aware of someone holding his hand.   
“Why Jackie this is ve—“ He was about to make some joke about how inappropriate it was, when he opened his eyes to see her, he realised it wasn’t Jackie holding his hand at all. It was Emily. How had she found out? He couldn’t let her see him like this, so fragile, so weak, with thinned out hair and suit. 

“Nolan” Emily spoke softly and there she was so tangible and real. He saw the pity she felt for him, he didn't need her pity. 

“Ems…what are you doing here?” She blinked at him and that was when he saw it. The blinding rage she felt from being kept in the dark about what he’d been going through. 

“The Doctor phoned me. Told me you passed out during your treatments. I was so confused. I asked what treatments and he told me you had Bone Cancer, that you’ve been having treatments here at this specialised hospital for over a month now” Her voice was calm but her words had a rage behind them that Nolan knew well. 

“That still doesn’t explain why you’re here” He pointed back, not ready to explain to her why he'd kept her in the dark.

“Nolan, where the hell else am I going to be when you’re sick and need me?” 

“Ems this is hardly the first time I’ve needed you and you’ve not been there” His words had been harsh and he regretted them the moment he said them and yet they needed to be said. Emily was silent for a long while, her hurt expression hidden well but he saw it, he saw the hurt his words had caused. 

“Tell me Nolan, tell me what you’ve been deliberately avoiding every time I speak to you on the phone. Don’t miss one detail” 

It wasn’t a friendly conversation any more. It was a demand, an order. Nolan was too tired to fight her so he did as she asked, describing every detail of how he got told about his cancer, his reaction. Including the bottle of Whiskey he drunk the night before he went in for his first Chemo, all the way through to now. Every story about his fellow patients in this wing and everything Jackie had said to him. 

By the end of the story Emily was crying, silent tears streaming down her face. 

"You should have told me" She offered gently. 

"Yes well...you're barely a month divorced. Last thing you needed was a needy best friend" She shook her head, surprising him when she fell into him with a sob. He could do nothing but hold her hand and stroke her hair while she sobbed into him. 

"Don't leave me Nolan" She whispered so small, Nolan wondered if he actually heard it. 

"Trying not to" He joked back. She lifted her head and met his eye. 

"You don't get it Nolan...even when I was alone in the world, at least as an adult I still had you. In the distance keeping me safe or right next to be providing me with whatever I needed. Even when I was lonely I still had you Nolan. I can't...I won't be that lonely again. I don't know how to be that lonely again Nolan" 

He never quite considered her life like that. Some part of him was proud he could to be her one friend, another part was annoyed that she was making his suffering all about herself. 

"You think I want to die?" He asked, following the underlining message in her words. 

"I think if you wanted to live that badly you'd have called me" 

There as a gently knock at Nolan’s door and both Nolan and Emily turned to see Jackie at the door. Emily annoyed at the interruption, Nolan glad for it. 

“Hey Nolan, just wanted to check you’d drunk the fluids I warned you about…” 

“I said I would Jack’” She gave him a gently smile. 

“I’m glad you’re finally listening to me. Only took a month” She winked at him and she got a small smile from him, all he could manage from the lengthy conversation she’d partly overheard while doing her rounds all afternoon. 

“And you must be Emily, I’ve heard a great deal about you” 

Now it was no secret in this town who Emily really was, but either Nolan or Jackie cared much about that when speaking about her. Emily had been a subject of joy for Nolan on his darkest days, she wasn’t about to take that away from him, whatever her personal opinions may be. Which if she’s honest wasn’t a lot because she was too busy dealing with the living hells people going through in this hospital, to notice much what’s going on outside those doors. 

“And I you, Jackie” They shook hands respectfully and then a silence hung in the air. 

“Hey Jack’” Nolan whispered, turning to his nurse.

“Yeah Nolan?” 

“Emily’s angry with me” The nurse glanced over at the blonde, who was doing her best to keep a sweet smile on her face. 

“And she has every right to be Nolan. You’re her family and you kept something about your health to yourself. I think it’s time you start realising friendship and love are meant to work both ways. But you can’t get help until you’re willing to accept it” 

“So you’re taking her side?” Nolan sighed. 

“I’m on the side of whatever gets me out of this room before you hash it out. But all I’m saying Nolan is…maybe the reason you’re alone…at least in part is because you’re too scared to let anyone in” 

It was definitely something to think about as she wheeled her trolley out and into the next room.   
“So how was India?” Nolan asked before they could get into the reasons why he never phoned her. Emily couldn’t believe he was choosing now to ask about her trip. 

“Nolan…” 

“Ems, I can’t fight you again. Not right now” She sighed, she’d seen these kind of up and down things with her father, so she rolled over quicker than she normally would. 

“Fine, but don’t expect me not to scream at you later” 

“Done…so how as India?” 

With that she settled onto the end of his bed and they chatted. They chatted like they used to when they had hours alone together before their next big plan. Nolan got the information he'd been avoiding since he got here. Like all the details about what she loved about all these different places. He got to learn that Charlotte had come back with her, had taken the chance to visit her brothers grave and to go see some old friends. 

Emily stayed all day, reliving old memories, making future plans until was practically forced to leave the hospital. She headed towards the door. 

"Hey Ems..." She turned back to him "Thank you for coming" She gave him a warm smile. 

"No where else in the world I'd rather be Nolan. Get some rest. I'll be back here as soon as visiting hours start tomorrow" 

"Wait...you're not going back to india? To Travel?" His confusion genuine. 

"Nolan. I'm not here because I feel some obligation to be. I'm here because you're my family. I love you and I want to be here for you. So no, I'm not going back to India, the only place I'm going is back to the beach house to have a shower and get some sleep" He gave her an understanding nod. 

"I love you too Ems" He threw back at her just before she left. The mild look of surprise on her face and the smile that lead straight after was worth every bit of yelling he knew they'd be doing over the next few weeks.


	4. Chapter 4

It was maybe a week later, Emily had been there, every moment of the visiting hours and even some that weren’t. She got to know the other patients. She got Nolan some tech the nurses wouldn’t approve off like his tablet so he could code and work while sitting in bed. She did everything Nolan asked of her and then some he didn’t.

Nolan had just gotten back from his last Chemo session before they retest and tell him if he’s all clear of not. Nolan’s hair was nearly gone, he covered it at all times now with a new hat every single day. His strength wasn’t like it was before either, he couldn’t lift a tin of something without feelings his muscles start to shake with the weakness. He knew it would happen, he’d seen it with David but feeling it himself was almost too much. 

As for him and Emily, they’d been civil and they always talked but despite that there had been a barrier there, full of anger and mistrust about the secret he’d kept from her, but there was also a layer of pain and sorrow mixed in with seeing her friend so weak and bringing back memories of her father. 

“I’m sorry” Nolan whispered, as they sat playing chess in silence in the Game room for the long term patients.

“For what?” Emily asked, barely looking up at him as she made her move. 

“For keeping this a secret. In part it was to protect you too” Emily met his eye. Mild surprise and confusion weaved into her expression.

“How?” She asked as Nolan made his next move.

“You think I don’t see the way you look at me and all you see is your dying father?” Emily froze mid-move. “You think I don’t see what that did to you. Still does to you. Don’t you think I see that you’re still in so much pain? From your father’s death, to your failed marriage with Jack. From everyone else you’ve lost…Amanda, Declan, Aiden, Tukada, even little girl Amanda who wanted nothing more than a simple life with her father”

“Even if this isn’t easy Nolan, I still deserved to know. We promised each other no more secrets…Why? Why would you keep this from me?” Her anger Bubbling through.

“YOU WERE FINALLY FREE” He basically shouted at her, bringing the attention of the whole room, but he simply lowered his voice and continued. “You were enjoying the life you spent so many years missing out on, finally connecting with Charlotte on a real level and you gave up all the wonders of the world and your new life…for what? To sit in a hospital and slowly watch me waste away, causing you more pain than I think I can bare. No…I couldn’t be that selfish. I wouldn’t” 

He wiped at his tears and in that moment Emily wasn’t angry at him anymore. 

“Nolan, you have cancer. I think that means you can be a little selfish” 

“Not at the cost of your happiness” Emily was the one who didn’t deserve him. He went through Chemo all on his own, just so she could enjoy herself. So she wouldn’t worry. 

“Nolan…I would have lost my happiness forever if I lost you” He blinked her at, as if trying the joke.

“Oh I’m sure you’ll be fi---“ She slammed down on the chessboard so hard, once again attention was on them again. 

“DON’T! Don’t you goddamn dare make your life seem unimportant Nolan. Not after all you’ve done for me…not when I could lose you too” 

Now it was Emily crying, despite herself. It sounds silly, but Nolan had never really knew she cared that much. He knew she cared and he knew they were best friends of course, but they’d never gone through something like this. Not something that brings their morality into question. 

Emily had been so focused on her vendetta or her father’s health, or her marriage with Jack or her worldly travels with Charlotte. Somewhere amongst all that Nolan stopped expecting Emily to be there for him, he stopped expecting her to put him first because that wasn’t something Emily did. She did what was best for her, Nolan be damned.   
He knew she cared, but sometimes it felt like he was the last person in the list of people in her life. 

“You know I always felt like the last one on your list” Emily raised an eyebrow at him. 

“What list?” She asked, trying to stop her tears from falling.

“The list of people who matter to you in your life. Apart from yourself, your number one was always David, something I admired and still do admire about you. Now Number 2 was usually Jack, until recent events. So now it’s Charlotte. Amanda and even Aiden always felt like more of a priority to you, than I did”

“That’s Craz—“ 

“No It’s not Ems. You didn’t know about my father until after 3 days of acting like an arse and even then you just told me to stop mopping about. After I got hurt, you checked up on me once and that was only to make sure I wasn’t dying. When your father hit me, you told me he wasn’t thinking and then went right back to defending him without any word to what loyalty you should have been feeling for me. Heck Ems even Daniel Greyson took more precedence in your life. You tried to move on from your old life so many times, with Aiden, with Jack and now with Charlotte, anyone who wasn’t me. I may have been the first one you ran to when you needed help with your vendetta, but I was never the one you came to when it really mattered”

“Look Ems” He offered after a long silence as she chewed his words. “I’m not saying this to be cruel…I’m saying this to help you understand why I didn’t bother you with my…this. You’ve never come running for me in the past…why would you start now?”

He moved to wheel away from the table and her. He got half way towards the door when she called after him. 

“You’re wrong” She didn’t care who was listening now. He froze in his spot but refused to turn to face her. 

“You’re right about all those things. I did push you away. I did use you to get what I needed from you. You’re even right about the fact that I’ve never shown enough loyalty towards you. Especially when my father hit you. But you’re wrong about why I kept you at arm’s length Nolan” 

“You see right through me” She continued her voice softer now, getting closer to him “Since the day I turned 18, you’ve always seen right through me. Every lie I told you knew it, every story I told you, you remembered it in more detail than I ever could. Every smile I tried to fake you saw right through. Whether I was the kid fresh out of juvie or the women on a mission. You’ve always known the heart of me Nolan, even when my own father couldn’t understand me, you could and that terrified me… it still does”

She was now in front of him and she knelt down in front of him, meeting his eye with tears in her own.

“Nolan, you’re my guiding light. You’ve always kept me from crossing a line. You’ve always been able to pull me back from the brink of my own destruction and I hated the power you had over me and you didn’t even know it. That’s why I kept you at arm’s length. It’s why I’ve always asked forgiveness instead of permission. That being said you were the only person I truly trusted to complete this mission I set for myself. I married Jack because it was what you wanted, not because it was what I wanted. I came to you after my father died because you were the only person who wouldn’t try to use words to help me. You just wrapped your arms around me and did not let me go, Nolan”

“I’d never let you go” He whispered. 

“Good because I don’t want you to. It’s taken a long time for me to realise what it is I want from life and without realising it, you gave me it to me. Someone who has faith and trust in me” 

She moved up and gave him a tight hug. 

“Please don’t lose faith and trust in me now” She whispered. He cupped her cheek. 

“What and lose my blonde? You’re joking” She laughed into his ear, a sound more healing than any of his chemo.


	5. Chapter 5

A week later Nolan was released into Emily’s care. A job Emily was taking very seriously. She’d had Nolan’s clothes and essentials moved into her downstairs guest bedroom. She’d set it up with medical equipment for the remaining Antibiotic treatment he’d be having for the next month while hopefully staying In the remission he was now officially in. 

It was the 3rd day in Nurse Emily’s care and Nolan was seemingly enjoying himself. She waited on him hand and foot, wheeled or walked him wherever he wanted to go, usually to her porch swing to watch the sun rise and set. Nolan wasn’t naïve enough to think Emily was doing this simply to be his friend, but to prove to him just what he meant to her and if the last 72 hours had been any indication, it was a whole lot more than she ever lot on. Ironic, given how well Emily had claimed he knew her. 

Charlotte had popped by at least once a day to see her sister but Nolan knew Charlotte was having a rough time with his illness. He and Charlotte weren’t what you call close, but given her newfound closeness with her sister, Charlotte was taking on the mantle of caring about him. A notion both odd and refreshing given Greyson blood ran through her veins. 

“Nolan, Hey” Nolan saw Jack walk from a few metres away and he saw the exact moment Jack registered his thinner than usual frame, his IV drip and his new found head gear. Yet that wasn’t why Nolan hesitated, the last thing he’d had a face-to-face conversation with Jack had been in the Divorce courts, where he told him never to speak to him again. Which up to now he hadn't.

“Hey Jack” Nolan spoke with the same level of bounce he usually gave. “How’s life in Cali?” 

“It’s good, Carl just started school” He confessed as he walked his way up the familiar steps.

“Oh wow that kid won’t stop growing” Nolan joked. Jack noted the tiredness in his tone. Like even one quip was draining him. 

“Tell me about it…” He moved to sit beside Nolan, who was also sporting one of Emily’s favourite blankets and a hot cup of coco in his hands. 

“Nolan…what’s going on?” He asked, noting his barely together frame and hair now covered in one of his many Cancer hats.

“Oh didn't you hear? I had the big C. Bone Cancer, 6 weeks of intense Radiotherapy and here we are” 

Jack was silent for a long while. Taking in the information.

“Why didn’t you call…or text…or write? Nolan I would hav—“  
“Given how our last conversation went. I wasn’t about to hash it out with you over your divorce…again. All my fight was going into my treatments. Beside you had a life set up in Cali, what would you have done? Flown out here and stayed with me the whole time?” He asked, genuinely looking for an answer.

“If that’s what you would have needed Nolan…” 

“Bull crap” Jack blinked at Nolan, surprised by his harsh tone. 

“Nolan”

“No Jack, I don’t want your pity or your guilt and I certainly don’t want to be the excuse you use to try and worm your way into ‘Amanda’s’ life again. That is why you’re here isn’t it? To apologize for how things were left…to promise to stay friends until the next excuse to come to town and then it’s a date night here or a sweet kiss here and then next thing you know she’s as heartbroken as Charlotte and I found her after the divorce” 

She'd been a mess when they found her, half way through her second bottle of wine. Her dress stained from the sipped wine and her hair as wild as you might expect of someone so drunk they fell over in the sand. It was close to 3am when they found her. She kept repeating how it was all her fault, that no one would never love her. That maybe she deserved to be alone after all the bad she'd done. Luckily for Nolan, he managed to get Charlotte out of the house to allow him to care for her so she didn't say anything she regretted to her sister. 

THe only way Nolan got her to calm down and sleep that night was to use him as a cushion. They fell asleep in each others arms and when she woke up she didn't move. she simply started crying again. It took 3 week to get her out of the house. A good month before she even smiled properly again and another 3 months of trying to convince her to get out of dodge, go have some fun. Nolan was sad to see her go but Happy to see her finally excited about something. 

“I…I only came to see how she was Nolan, she was my wife, it’s only me being friendly” Nolan shook his head. Meeting his old friends eye with conviction.

“No…it’s you being an addict. You fought tooth and nail with Emily and even me about every decision we made to keep our own addiction – the revenge. But yours might just be worse”

“I’m not addicted to Amanda, Nolan” Voices were slowly getting louder. 

“So that’s why you kept her dog? That’s why you named your boat after her? That’s why you internet searched the name Amanda Clarke every month since you were 10 years old? That’s why you fell in love with the first person claiming to be Amanda, it’s why you bared her child. It’s why you wanted to be part of Club revenge when you had no business and quite frankly the stomach to do what needed to be done to take down the Greysons. That’s why you married Amanda. Tell me Jack does she live up to that image of her at 8 years old? That sweet little girl who captured your young heart?” 

“Stop it Nolan” Jack jumped up, pacing in front of him. Nolan wasn’t trying to be harsh, just honest. 

“Do you want to know the first image I ever saw of Amanda? It was just after she’d been put in the mental health care place for children. It was a video the Doctor’s had taken during her therapy session. Just 4 days after her Daddy was taken away from her and she was thrusted into a world far bigger and scarier than any child should ever have to know and do you know what she did? The whole hour she was there for her session?” 

“What?” Jack whispered, obviously curious. 

“She cried. No, she screamed. At the top of her lungs, for an hour. An entire hour. That was the first image of Emily I ever saw. My heart had never broken as much as it did in that moment and despite that…it’s probably the reason I will understand her in a way you never can”

“I understand heart ache Nolan” Jack pointed out as if that measured up.

“But have you ever known Loneliness? And not just a sitting on a bus all on your own kind of lonely. I mean the kind of lonely that means you have no one in the world left to call. No one to believe you, no one to trust you, no one to trust or care about. It breaks something in you”

“You never quite find what you lost again” Emily’s voice spoke over softly. Joining in their conversation. “Sorry I heard yelling and came running…”

“Aman—Emily” Jack looked at Emily and in that moment she knew Nolan was right, he was high just looking at her. 

“Look Jack. Our marriage is over. I won’t be with you again…I can’t”

“But…”

“No Buts Jack. Nolan’s right. You’re addicted to the thought of having a happy ending with the 8 year old me and not the person I am now and even if I did decide to give you another shot, which I won’t. Nolan and his health is my one and true priority right now” 

Jack sighed, this was obviously not the response he'd been expecting.

“So there’s really no hope for us?” He asked as he got up and stepped closer to her, trying to have a private conversation.

“The only hope for your future is to get as far away from me and mine as possible Jack. I’m not saying you won’t always be family to me, because my god-son makes sure of that…but like I said Nolan is my priority” Jack almost laughs. 

“Funny…he never was before” With those harsh words he turned to look at Nolan. 

“if you need anyone. A bottle of whiskey to ease the sorrows or a friend to talk to…call me okay? I mean it. I’ll be here whatever you need”

“Okay” it was all Nolan could manage. Emily sat beside him as they watched Porter walk away. Nolan somehow doubted he'd ever call Jack for anything after what he'd just said and what he'd put Emily through.

“You’re scary when you have Cancer Nolan” Emily offered gently.

“First of all, HAD Cancer Ems. Seconds What do you mean?"

“You’re saying all the things you’ve been thinking about for years”

Nolan laughed, putting his mug down beside him. 

“You’re just lucky I got ill after our revenge plan was complete or I might have said some pretty revealing and horrific things to the Greyson family” Nolan confessed and Emily Grimace at the very thought.

“Oh now that I would have spent money to see” She laughed. A comfortable silence fell between them for a while before Nolan spoke up.

“I’m sorry if I was too harsh on Jack” Nolan mumbled, regretting his words already. 

“Don’t be. It was a truth I think we both needed to hear…Besides like I told him you’re my number one for now”

She surprised him then by resting her head on his shoulder. Emily was a good person, a surprisingly gentle person once she trusts you enough. Nolan leaned into her hair and kissed it. 

"Thank you for finally putting me first Ems" He whispered into her hair. 

"You're welcome. It felt right" She offered as she pulled part of his blanket off of him and around her own legs.

A silence fell between them again as the sun finally set. To anyone else it might look incredibly romantic and maybe it was. But for now Nolan was finally feeling at home. Safe. Nothing healed you more than knowing you're safe. Knowing you're home. No one made him feel more at home than Emily did.


End file.
